Overdue…and Infertility Emotions

We are officially 40 weeks and 2 days. We have passed our little miracle’s due date and I am filled with sadness, fear and guilt.

I have tried really hard to be nothing but positive throughout this pregnancy, especially considering that we never thought we would make it this far. I am incredibly thankful that we have this miracle coming to be with us soon and that I have been able to provide him with all of his needs these pass few months. He is healthy and apparently very comfortable snuggling with me inside.

However I am sad. After all that we did go through to get pregnant I was really hoping that pregnancy, delivery and postpartum would be easy. That I would perform these things perfectly. That my body would be successful and not need any medical intervention. Yet here we are pass our due date and looking on the horizon of an induction next week. Just when I thought I had beat infertility it has come back to haunt me.

I am fearful that with an induction, our labor will be slow and not progress. Both of my sisters had to be induced and ended up with c-sections in the end. I am afraid that the induction will cause him or I to experience distress and have to proceed to a c-section. I know that plenty of women have c-sections and that it is often necessary but I really want to bring our son into the world as naturally as possible without drugs and vaginally. If this does not occur, I will feel like I have failed at not only making a baby but having a baby.

I feel guilty. Throughout this pregnancy we have always prepared for him to be here before the Christmas holiday. Generally every year for Christmas Eve we would go to Heather’s family house for dinner, presents and fellowship. Then we would spend the night at her mom’s house and wake up for Santa and breakfast on Christmas morning with her parents and sisters. Heather has done this every year of her life…this is her tradition. This year with Peanut’s due date so close to the holiday, we had discussed with her family we would probably not be there since Peanut would only be a few days old and if he was not here we would not want to be an hour from the hospital. Her mom (whom she was worried about being upset the most) completely understood and said that she didn’t expect to see us because my health and the baby’s was what was most important. She said not to worry and that regardless of him being here or not she would see us on Christmas Day at our house or the hospital. Heather’s sisters on the other hand did not initially understand that either way, him here or not, we would not be at Christmas Eve. After a lot of conversations this week, when it look like he would not make his due date, they finally got it.

In addition to us not being able to spend the holiday with Heather’s family as we normally do, my family will be coming to town. They are super excited and want to meet Peanut. Even my middle sister, who usually goes to Atlanta with her husband is coming to Christmas this year. With my parents and I not having the best relationship, Christmas is generally the only holiday that they come to visit.

I feel so guilty. I feel like because my body has not began labor and brought Peanut into the world that I am ruining Christmas for everyone. I know that this is the only gift they all want and I am disappointing them.

Heather keeps reassuring me that she is ok with him not being here and looking forward to us spending our first holiday together just the two of us, but I feel awful. I have not cried much during this pregnancy but over the past four days, I can’t stop crying.

I know I just need to focus on that we will finally meet our miracle next week regardless of what happens with the holiday or the delivery but I am having a really hard time.

I am still hoping and praying that he will come in the next 48 hours and we will all truly get our Christmas miracle.

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39 Weeks

This week has been a challenge. All throughout this pregnancy, Peanut has been measuring on time or ahead, so I thought for sure we would be loving on him on the outside come 39 Weeks.

The week started with our respective work Christmas parties. It was nice to not wake up with a hangover the next day but kind of weird to not be drinking either. Of course you get the 100 questions/comments of “you haven’t had that baby yet?, When is that baby due?, Wow, you look very pregnant.” No he is not here and yes I know I look big, thanks for pointing out the obvious.

We went to our 39 week appointment and that is when my anxiety and disappointment set in. The doctor who we saw was another doctor we had not her seen in the practice. She was really nice and came in the room all excited and ready to talk about how I was progressing. She said she would check my cervix and try to see if she could strip my membranes. She measured my uterus and he was still measuring on time. She checked his heartbeat and it was staying strong at 145 BPM. She has the nurse come in so she could check my cervix. As she went to check she was like how far along did the doctor say I was last week. I told he said I was 1-2 cm and 50% effaced. She was looked at me and said “hmm well he must have longer fingers than me because I can’t even feel your cervix. I feel baby’s head is down but I can’t get to your cervix to measure or strip.” What’s?!? So you are basically telling me that you have short fingers and I now I have no idea if I am progressing or not. I was so shocked and upset. What do you mean you can’t feel my cervix? She said that they would check again next week at my 40 week appointment and then they would talk about scheduling an induction if he did not come before then.

I left the appointment so upset and in tears by time we got into the car. Here I was doing everything I could to make this pregnancy healthy and progress appropriately. I have done yoga, continued acupuncture, taking evening primrose oil, drinking raspberry tea, nipple stimulation, performed labor inducing exercises, felt contractions and you basically tell me I am not progressing. I was devastated.

Of course others knew we had our appointment so they all asked how things went. We explained to them what occurred and they all said “you have to be patient, he will come when he comes, it is not even your due date yet, you need to relax.” Relax? You don’t understand the struggle we have gone through the past 5 years to get here. It has been a constant battle of will my body perform the way it is suppose to or not. So while my pregnancy has been a blessing, there is a lot of fear and anxiety that my body will fail me again during childbirth. I have serious anxiety that the closer we get to my due date and if we pass the due date, that something is terribly going to go wrong. I fear all of the following: he is going to get to big to fit through my pelvis, his movements are going to decrease because he has no room and or has run out of fluid, the cord is going to get caught; around him; we will have to have a c-section and he or I will be in distress; or the ultimate fear that he will not survive birth. I know that all of the tests and check ups we have had along the way show no indication of this happening, but this is how the battle of infertility steals your joy.

Let’s hope this pedicure helps and if he doesn’t come at 40 Weeks he comes shortly after and all is well….

38 Weeks

This week started out with a great OB appointment with our favorite Dr at the practice. He was so excited to see us and said he cannot wait to meet our little guy. He did my first official check and said that I was making good strides at 1-2cm and 50% effaced. Woohoo! My body is responding appropriately and doing what is suppose to, what a relief.

We celebrated the birthday of two of our favorite kids from afar. We miss them so much now that they are in Canada and we do not get to see their shining faces everyday when we get home, but thankfully we will have our own little man to smile at us soon.

Still feeling good this week. He is getting heavier and lower but keeping up yoga, acupuncture and trying to prepare my body for the big event. No cravings or aversions but still experiencing terrible heartburn and indigestion.

37 weeks

We started the week with an OB appointment with a new doctor at the practice. While she seemed to be a good doctor, I was quite annoyed by her “you know most first pregnancies are late” speech. I really hate that talk. I get with most women the due date is wrong because they have no idea when conception actually happened, however we did IVF and science is clear so my due date is not wrong.

We had a friend come into town this weekend that we had not seen in a while. It was great to see them and catch up.

Definitely feeling that the end is coming as he is getting bigger and I am feeling his head down. Still doing yoga and acupuncture. No cravings or aversions but was hoping that heartburn would get better now that he is dropping but seems to be getting worse.

36 weeks

It is Thanksgiving and we are four weeks away from meeting our son!

Hard to believe that last year we were waiting the results of our FET, which unfortunately ended in an early miscarriages and now we are putting the finishing touches on our son’s room.

We had a great Thanksgiving lunch with family. Everyone is excited about Peanut’s arrival and hope that they will get to meet him at Christmas.

We got up and did our normal Black Friday Shopping with the family, but instead of buying things for ourselves we purchased things for Peanut.

We are now down to weekly appointments at the OB,..let’s hope for progress as we get closer to due date.

35 weeks

5 weeks to go!!!!! As we prepare for Peanut to arrive and the holidays, we are doing all we can to get prepared.

We have the majority of our Shopping done, just need to get a few giftcards. So we plan to spend Black Friday shopping looking for good deals on any items we still need for Peanut. You know life has changed already when you plan your Black Friday Shopping in the baby section of the store.

Since most of our showers are now done, we have completed his room for the most part. I love to just sit in his room and think about him being in it with us and watching him grow up. Keep growing little guy, we can’t wait to meet you.

34 weeks

I can’t believe we have six weeks to go. I feel like Peanut is getting big and that my abdomen cannot stretch any further, even though I know it will.

This week I have truly felt the 3rd trimester exhaustion. All I want to do is lay down but I feel like we still have so much to do to get ready for Peanut and the holidays since his due date is so close to the holidays.

We were spoiled again this week with our last baby shower thrown by my old co-workers. It is so nice to know that after five years people love you enough to want to bless your future family. It was so nice of them to think of us and everything was so lovely.

Over the weekend, Heather’s family wanted to have a garage sale so Heather and I grabbed a few things we had to sell. We stayed at her parents the night before and I was so uncomfortable that I had to sleep in the recliner. It was probably one of the best nights of sleep I had in a while. The yard sale started at 5am and that night we had tickets to Tori Amos, my favorite artist, so we knew it was going to be a long day.

The concert was amazing! Everything I imagined it to be and more. Even though I have seen Tori in concert many times, each show has it own unique greatness about it. I was so glad I got to share her wonderful music with Peanut.