We are officially 40 weeks and 2 days. We have passed our little miracle’s due date and I am filled with sadness, fear and guilt.
I have tried really hard to be nothing but positive throughout this pregnancy, especially considering that we never thought we would make it this far. I am incredibly thankful that we have this miracle coming to be with us soon and that I have been able to provide him with all of his needs these pass few months. He is healthy and apparently very comfortable snuggling with me inside.
However I am sad. After all that we did go through to get pregnant I was really hoping that pregnancy, delivery and postpartum would be easy. That I would perform these things perfectly. That my body would be successful and not need any medical intervention. Yet here we are pass our due date and looking on the horizon of an induction next week. Just when I thought I had beat infertility it has come back to haunt me.
I am fearful that with an induction, our labor will be slow and not progress. Both of my sisters had to be induced and ended up with c-sections in the end. I am afraid that the induction will cause him or I to experience distress and have to proceed to a c-section. I know that plenty of women have c-sections and that it is often necessary but I really want to bring our son into the world as naturally as possible without drugs and vaginally. If this does not occur, I will feel like I have failed at not only making a baby but having a baby.
I feel guilty. Throughout this pregnancy we have always prepared for him to be here before the Christmas holiday. Generally every year for Christmas Eve we would go to Heather’s family house for dinner, presents and fellowship. Then we would spend the night at her mom’s house and wake up for Santa and breakfast on Christmas morning with her parents and sisters. Heather has done this every year of her life…this is her tradition. This year with Peanut’s due date so close to the holiday, we had discussed with her family we would probably not be there since Peanut would only be a few days old and if he was not here we would not want to be an hour from the hospital. Her mom (whom she was worried about being upset the most) completely understood and said that she didn’t expect to see us because my health and the baby’s was what was most important. She said not to worry and that regardless of him being here or not she would see us on Christmas Day at our house or the hospital. Heather’s sisters on the other hand did not initially understand that either way, him here or not, we would not be at Christmas Eve. After a lot of conversations this week, when it look like he would not make his due date, they finally got it.
In addition to us not being able to spend the holiday with Heather’s family as we normally do, my family will be coming to town. They are super excited and want to meet Peanut. Even my middle sister, who usually goes to Atlanta with her husband is coming to Christmas this year. With my parents and I not having the best relationship, Christmas is generally the only holiday that they come to visit.
I feel so guilty. I feel like because my body has not began labor and brought Peanut into the world that I am ruining Christmas for everyone. I know that this is the only gift they all want and I am disappointing them.
Heather keeps reassuring me that she is ok with him not being here and looking forward to us spending our first holiday together just the two of us, but I feel awful. I have not cried much during this pregnancy but over the past four days, I can’t stop crying.
I know I just need to focus on that we will finally meet our miracle next week regardless of what happens with the holiday or the delivery but I am having a really hard time.
I am still hoping and praying that he will come in the next 48 hours and we will all truly get our Christmas miracle.