Christmas

So Christmas Eve turned out to be a great day. I was so worried that Heather would be sad and depressed because her family would be getting together that afternoon and we would not be going.

We got up that morning and she was surprisedly in a very good mood. She had made plans to spend the day in the kitchen cooking and baking, two of her favorite things to do. For breakfast she made homemade cinnamon rolls; for lunch we had appetizers to watch football: cheese ball, sausage balls and dips.  We had planned on having mussels and fries for dinner and start our own tradition of seafood on Christmas Eve, but we were so full from the lunch appetizers that we ended up not having dinner.

We watched Christmas movies and football all day, slow danced together and listened to Christmas music. Before going to bed, we sat in front of the Christmas tree together and opened our gifts being that we would have company all day on Christmas Day.  We went to bed happy to spend another Christmas together as a couple.

The day turned out to be great for Heather, but I felt guilty all day that she was missing out on her traditional family get together.  In addition, I was super uncomfortable and kept having contractions all day.  Part of me was wishing and hoping all day that I would go into labor on Christmas Eve and we would get our true Christmas miracle.

Santa and Christmas morning came and we were still pregnant. I had to accept the fact that our families were coming over for Christmas and the biggest gift would not be under the tree. Heather tried to reassure me that she was good, but I could see the hurt in her eyes of not seeing her family on Christmas morning.

She FaceTime her family as they were making Christmas breakfast to say Merry Christmas and confirmed lunchtime with them. I tried to lighten the mood by baking Christmas cookies for us to eat. However while I was baking, she looked at old pictures of her, her mom and dad at Christmas when she was a kid and I could tell she was upset. I felt awful, I wanted to comfort her, to distract her with our son, but he was still snuggled inside of me with no real signs of exiting.

It got closer to lunchtime and we had not heard from her family. She finally called them and found out that they had fallen asleep and were running late. Heather felt like they had forgotten about her on Christmas since no one had called or reached out. I assured her that they had not forgot about her and sent her sister a message to make sure they were coming for lunch. They reassured me that they had not forgotten about Heather and that as her sisters they were coming to surprise her.

They showed up for lunch and it brought tears and joy to Heather to have them here with her. We had a nice lunch, opened presents and hung out.

Shortly after they were leaving, my family showed up for dinner. They also were all hoping that they would be seeing our little man or visiting us at the hospital, but that was not how things played out. It was nice to have my middle sister and her son for the Christmas festivities this year. We had dinner, opened presents and hung out. It was a nice evening even though I wasn’t able to give them the gift they wanted.

After all of our family left, we waited for the phone call for our induction time the next day. One way or another our little man would be born soon.

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Overdue…and Infertility Emotions

We are officially 40 weeks and 2 days. We have passed our little miracle’s due date and I am filled with sadness, fear and guilt.

I have tried really hard to be nothing but positive throughout this pregnancy, especially considering that we never thought we would make it this far. I am incredibly thankful that we have this miracle coming to be with us soon and that I have been able to provide him with all of his needs these pass few months. He is healthy and apparently very comfortable snuggling with me inside.

However I am sad. After all that we did go through to get pregnant I was really hoping that pregnancy, delivery and postpartum would be easy. That I would perform these things perfectly. That my body would be successful and not need any medical intervention. Yet here we are pass our due date and looking on the horizon of an induction next week. Just when I thought I had beat infertility it has come back to haunt me.

I am fearful that with an induction, our labor will be slow and not progress. Both of my sisters had to be induced and ended up with c-sections in the end. I am afraid that the induction will cause him or I to experience distress and have to proceed to a c-section. I know that plenty of women have c-sections and that it is often necessary but I really want to bring our son into the world as naturally as possible without drugs and vaginally. If this does not occur, I will feel like I have failed at not only making a baby but having a baby.

I feel guilty. Throughout this pregnancy we have always prepared for him to be here before the Christmas holiday. Generally every year for Christmas Eve we would go to Heather’s family house for dinner, presents and fellowship. Then we would spend the night at her mom’s house and wake up for Santa and breakfast on Christmas morning with her parents and sisters. Heather has done this every year of her life…this is her tradition. This year with Peanut’s due date so close to the holiday, we had discussed with her family we would probably not be there since Peanut would only be a few days old and if he was not here we would not want to be an hour from the hospital. Her mom (whom she was worried about being upset the most) completely understood and said that she didn’t expect to see us because my health and the baby’s was what was most important. She said not to worry and that regardless of him being here or not she would see us on Christmas Day at our house or the hospital. Heather’s sisters on the other hand did not initially understand that either way, him here or not, we would not be at Christmas Eve. After a lot of conversations this week, when it look like he would not make his due date, they finally got it.

In addition to us not being able to spend the holiday with Heather’s family as we normally do, my family will be coming to town. They are super excited and want to meet Peanut. Even my middle sister, who usually goes to Atlanta with her husband is coming to Christmas this year. With my parents and I not having the best relationship, Christmas is generally the only holiday that they come to visit.

I feel so guilty. I feel like because my body has not began labor and brought Peanut into the world that I am ruining Christmas for everyone. I know that this is the only gift they all want and I am disappointing them.

Heather keeps reassuring me that she is ok with him not being here and looking forward to us spending our first holiday together just the two of us, but I feel awful. I have not cried much during this pregnancy but over the past four days, I can’t stop crying.

I know I just need to focus on that we will finally meet our miracle next week regardless of what happens with the holiday or the delivery but I am having a really hard time.

I am still hoping and praying that he will come in the next 48 hours and we will all truly get our Christmas miracle.