Life Update

Sorry I have been MIA. After our failed FET in April, I was feeling very alone and isolated, even by the infertility community, so I needed to take some time for personal reflection away from the “noise.”
Then life got super busy…before we knew it was June. We decided to sell our home. Another birthday crept up and we spent it at the beach just the two of us. Then off to Boston for work and a weekend in NYC to visit friends and celebrate Pride…let’s just say it was a busy June.July we spent getting our home ready to sell. Who knew you could accumulate so much crap in 10 years. It felt great to declutter our life and get rid of the bad and old.

We were convinced that with the changes made that we would for sure be changing our luck in the infertility department. 

We went in for our third FET on July 20th. Let’s say that the transfer was a comedy of errors by far. Our clinic has had a lot of turn over with the front desk and nursing staff, so the new people do not know us or my history. A nurse called the day before to confirm and remind me to show up with a full bladder, I had to remind her that I was going to be sedated and thus would not have a full bladder since I couldn’t eat or drink after midnight. Then we get to the clinic the next morning to check in and the front desk representative makes me give a urine sample. 🙄 We get back to the prep room and the anesthesiologist had to put in my IV. Which he promptly put in my hand. Ouch! Where is the nurse!?! Then our RE comes by to tell us that they had to thaw three of our embabies to get two viable ones for transfer (so now we are down to four), so we lost one…I wanted to cry but held it together. Then she asked if my bladder was full and I told her no since they made me give a urine sample. She just shook her head and walked out the room to go fuss someone out. The clinic had given the front desk instructions to make sure they got urine samples for a hysterscopy procedure, not a transfer! She came back and said they were ready but the med tech was not around, so I had to carry my own IV bag as I walked back to the procedure room. All Heather and I could do was shake our head at the disfunction of the day. 
They do the procedure and bring me back to the room after waking me up. Our RE told Heather all went well with the transfer but that I woke up in the middle of the procedure and I was feisty. Umm what happened? What does that mean? I don’t remember waking up so who knows what I did when I woke up on the table 😰.
Since I tend to be quite stressed, I took off the week of the transfer. I spent the days before the transfer focused on getting things done around the house to get it ready for listing at the end of the month. Then I had two week days and the weekend off after our transfer. Heather took my work laptop and hid it and I removed all of my work emails from my phone, so I would not be tempted or frustrated with work.  
The day before the transfer I had a massage which was great. Then I had acupuncture the night of transfer day and 2 days after, so needless to say I was feeling good about my relaxation and low stress levels surrounding this transfer.
I went back to work the Monday after and our Associate Director immediately told me how much they missed me and she appreciates all that I do, since she had to deal with my frustrating/difficult clients while I was out. That evening our realtor came by to take pictures of our house and told us that we did a great job getting it ready and that it looked great and she was pretty sure it would sell fast. That was a big weight lifted as I had a complete progesterone emotional breakdown the night before worried that we would not be ready to list the house.
Throughout the nine days post transfer, I felt cramping, slight nausea and breast tenderness. As always deep down I was trying to remain positive and that I was growing two lives. Last Friday, we both decided to work from home and headed off to our blood test at 9am. We asked the medical tech to remind the fellow (our clinic is part of a teaching hospital and has fellows) that when they call with the results, if I do not answer that they need to leave the message on my voicemail so that Heather and I can listen to it together. She said she would try to remind them. We tell the front desk specialist the same thing when we check out and she looks at us like we are aliens. Ugh incompetence. So on the way home, I sent an email to my RE and asked that she remind the fellow to leave a message. 
Around 1:30, my cell phone rings…Heather and I both hold our breath and answer the phone. It is one of the fellows that we don’t particularly care for and she was like should I tell you now or call back and leave a message. Immediately we knew it was not…good news. I told her please tell us now and she said unfortunately your test was negative.  
NEGATIVE!!! AGAIN?!? I immediately shut down and tried not to burst into tears. I had an acupuncture appointment and needed to calm myself to drive to the appointment. I went to acupuncture and told my acupuncturist the bad news. She was pissed off, upset and frustrated for us as well.  
Since Friday, I am have been trying to concentrate on our house selling and not be in the infertility space. We listed our house last Thursday and had a showing that day. Since then we have a number of showings but no offers yet. Let’s hope the offer comes soon…we need some good news bad!


Easter feelings…

A year ago today I was just starting my first ever IVF Meds. We were so confident that our first round of IVF would be the ticket to our little family. It was a week out from Easter and we were confident that the Easter bunny was going to bring us our baby.
Today is Easter and we still do not have our bundle of joy. 

It has been a difficult week for me. Monday was our FET baseline which should have been exciting and joyful, yet I went in reluctant and nervous. The Nurse Practitioner is one that we know and love. She says that we are one of her favorite couples and is always excited to see us. She gave us our FET calendar, so now we know the plan in regards to meds and monitoring. We let the nurse practitioner know that we wanted to change the number of embryos we would transfer. She said all look good with my lining and blood work to move forward with the plan. Our RE reached out later that day to confirm the number of embryos we wanted to transfer. Being that this will be our 11th attempt (5 non-medicated IUIs, 3 medicated IUIs, 1 IVF fresh, 1 FET), she wanted to go all in and transfer more than one embryo. We agreed at first, but now that we have had months to think about it since our freeze all, we are afraid of losing embryos. Our fear is that, one, by transferring more than one and them not making it, we will loose more than one; or two, the lab goes to thaw the embryos for transfer and they not survive the thaw, so then they have to thaw more than two to get to the number we want to transfer. Our RE understood our feelings and confirmed that we will only transfer one of our embryos.

As the week has progressed, my emotions have continued to build due to a number of things:

1. I am staring to see and feel the effects of the Estradiol patches. My chest acne that I had during IVF last year has returned. I have been bloated and constipated all week. I have been on the verge of tears, complete rage or passing out from exhaustion all week.

2. Work has been extremely difficult this week with a lot of projects being dumped on me. I am trying to not let work stress me out and manage my stress appropriately because I want to make sure my body is in ship shape for our embryos, however I often feel like I need to over succeed at work, since fertility has not been successful for us.

3. We have not filed our taxes yet, so in the back of my mind that is weighing heavily on me as well because I am really worried that even after spending thousands of dollars on fertility medications and treatments, that we will have to pay the IRS, let’s really hope I am wrong.

4. Lack of me time. I really want to get my new fitness blog started and back to my workouts, but I feel like work and life have been all consuming that I have not had time to unwind and do things that are important to me.

5. Hate in our state.  Our state legislators decided to hold a special session this week and pass a bill that clearly allows employers, businesses, restaurants, and any establishment the right to discriminate against my wife and I because we are gay.  This saddens me and really worries me about us having a baby and trying to protect that child from the hate our state feels for our love as two committed women.

6. My TTC community seems to be dwindling due to BFP. While I am more than happy for my TTC sisters that are experiencing success on their journey. I can’t help but to feel left out or behind the pack. It is bad enough that in every work setting, I am around a large number of parents who often talk about their kids and what they did or what they are going to do with them, thus leaving me with nothing to add to these conversations and being on the outside. It is a very lonely feeling to feel like people around you are progressing and you are stuck on the merry-go-around in a continuous circle. I had joined the TTC community to not feel this way, but I cannot help but to feel like I am on the outside again.

All of these feelings collided Friday night after I got home from acupuncture. Generally acupuncture calms me down and makes me feel more centered. Yet for some reason this Friday, I felt very tense and could not relax. I laid there and thought about all of the weight from the week, yet it did not release as it usually does. When I got home, I found that yet again I had missed my wine delivery (we joined a club while we were in CA last November) for the second day in a row.  

This should have not upset me, but it literally was the “straw that broke the camel’s back.” My wife got home not long after me and could see it on my face. She really is my rock and immediately tried to do what she could to cheer me up. She called UPS to try to track the package, took me by their facilities to try to pick it up, (unfortunately with no luck since the driver had not returned to the facility), then took me to Whole Foods to get pizza for dinner. We just laid in bed, ate dinner, snuggle and watch TV, it definitely help calm me down. She really is my rock and through all of this keeps me going.

These emotions unfortunately have not subsided, but grown with today being Easter. As a kid, I loved Easter and getting a new outfit for church and celebrating with friends and family. As we drove around running errands yesterday and as I scrolled through social media (note I probably should stay off social media for the next few weeks), seeing all of the joy on kids faces over Easter, it just brings all of these feelings of a missing piece to the surface. 

We luckily do not have to be subjected to any Easter gatherings today, so I plan to spend the day hopefully knocking some things off my to do list in hopes that this week will be better…

Still Strong and Growing…

So happy, shocked, excited and amazed to announce that we still have all 13 of our embryos on Day 3. Out of the 13 embryos, we were told that nine of them look really good to survive to Day 5.  Woohoo!! Our Doctor warned us that statistically half of your rembryos will survive till Day 5, so if we assume that half of the nine will survive to Day 5, we could still end up with four to five embryos!!! 

Considering that with our first round of IVF, we only had three of our five fertilized embryos make it Day 3 and no Day 5 embryos, I am more than pleased with how strong our embryos are this cycle.  I really think that the changes we have made have made a great impact on my egg quality.  

Since our failed FET last summer, I have gotten healthier by doing the following:

  • Changed eating habits with 21 Day Fix and Gluten-free
  • Lost weight and toned my body with multiple Beachbody workout programs
  • Reduced my anxiety and stress with yoga
  • Remove toxins by using only natural soaps, lotions and makeup products 
  • Chinese herbs to strengthen my cycles and egg growth
  • Acupuncture 

We will never know if it was one thing or a combination of all of them, but I will take this successful step and look forward to the call on Sunday to know our final freeze all numbers.