This week has been a challenge. All throughout this pregnancy, Peanut has been measuring on time or ahead, so I thought for sure we would be loving on him on the outside come 39 Weeks.
The week started with our respective work Christmas parties. It was nice to not wake up with a hangover the next day but kind of weird to not be drinking either. Of course you get the 100 questions/comments of “you haven’t had that baby yet?, When is that baby due?, Wow, you look very pregnant.” No he is not here and yes I know I look big, thanks for pointing out the obvious.
We went to our 39 week appointment and that is when my anxiety and disappointment set in. The doctor who we saw was another doctor we had not her seen in the practice. She was really nice and came in the room all excited and ready to talk about how I was progressing. She said she would check my cervix and try to see if she could strip my membranes. She measured my uterus and he was still measuring on time. She checked his heartbeat and it was staying strong at 145 BPM. She has the nurse come in so she could check my cervix. As she went to check she was like how far along did the doctor say I was last week. I told he said I was 1-2 cm and 50% effaced. She was looked at me and said “hmm well he must have longer fingers than me because I can’t even feel your cervix. I feel baby’s head is down but I can’t get to your cervix to measure or strip.” What’s?!? So you are basically telling me that you have short fingers and I now I have no idea if I am progressing or not. I was so shocked and upset. What do you mean you can’t feel my cervix? She said that they would check again next week at my 40 week appointment and then they would talk about scheduling an induction if he did not come before then.
I left the appointment so upset and in tears by time we got into the car. Here I was doing everything I could to make this pregnancy healthy and progress appropriately. I have done yoga, continued acupuncture, taking evening primrose oil, drinking raspberry tea, nipple stimulation, performed labor inducing exercises, felt contractions and you basically tell me I am not progressing. I was devastated.
Of course others knew we had our appointment so they all asked how things went. We explained to them what occurred and they all said “you have to be patient, he will come when he comes, it is not even your due date yet, you need to relax.” Relax? You don’t understand the struggle we have gone through the past 5 years to get here. It has been a constant battle of will my body perform the way it is suppose to or not. So while my pregnancy has been a blessing, there is a lot of fear and anxiety that my body will fail me again during childbirth. I have serious anxiety that the closer we get to my due date and if we pass the due date, that something is terribly going to go wrong. I fear all of the following: he is going to get to big to fit through my pelvis, his movements are going to decrease because he has no room and or has run out of fluid, the cord is going to get caught; around him; we will have to have a c-section and he or I will be in distress; or the ultimate fear that he will not survive birth. I know that all of the tests and check ups we have had along the way show no indication of this happening, but this is how the battle of infertility steals your joy.
Let’s hope this pedicure helps and if he doesn’t come at 40 Weeks he comes shortly after and all is well….