I have been pretty quiet on this blog lately. When the Presidential election results came out, I was sad, depressed and disappointed that a man who has shown time and time again that he does not respect the American people won the fight. I made the decision to disconnect from the world and try to focus on the present and positive in my life. I had to prepare my mind and body to receive our embryo.
Three weeks later I truly felt that things were looking up and my positivity was paying off. We were pregnant, after four years we were finally going to be parents! Something we had waited so long to hear and experienced. Then as quick as our joy returned, the darkness came back and our baby stop growing. Again, I felt like the world was a lonely, sad and hateful place for us to be stripped of the one thing we waited so long to receive.
The holidays brought joy and disappointment. Joy over finally closing on our dream home. We worked hard and our efforts paid off with the house we finally wanted. Disappointment that my family, who knew how bad we wanted a child did not reach out to ask how we were doing or offer their condolences that yet again we were not pregnant.
Since loosing our baby, I have had so many feelings of doubt, despair, hopelessness and fear. So much so that it took all of my energy I had to just get up, put on a smile/clothes and live life. I have pushed through these feelings to try to make our new house a home, make plans for our next Fertility cycle, and connect with the world around me.
Yet today while watching women, men and children around the world march for equal rights, human rights, women’s rights I felt hope return. Hope that there are people in this world that respect each other and will fight for the best for ALL of us.
Today I am going to try to hold on to this hope and think positively about the next steps on our journey toward parenthood.