A week till Christmas and I all I can think about…

So Christmas is a week away, and I am feeling completely different than I did three weeks ago. Three weeks ago we were so excited and thinking about how this Christmas would be so different and wonderful.  We would have so much to rejoice and be happy about; my wifey got a promotion at work, we would be in our dream house and we would have our miracle baby.

However today’s outlook is completely different. Two weeks ago, the bleeding started.  It was heavy, painful and depressing to know that our babies were leaving my body. I tried to struggle through the work week without breaking down at every moment.  I felt like my insides were dying along with our babies and I just felt so empty inside.

The past two weeks have been a mix of tears, anger, and frustration.  I have tried to focus on the positive that we did get pregnant which has never happened before, but all I could think about was how we got so close and then were robbed of our dream again. Why?  I know that early miscarriages are very common and happen to people all the time, but for us I feel like it is different.  We cannot just try again with the next cycle.  We have struggled for four years to get to the point of pregnancy.  We have been through countless procedures, periods of hopes, period of disappointment and thousands of dollars.  We only have one embryo left and it may not even survive another cycle.  This is not fair…why could this not be our final reward for all that we have endured?

My wife has focused her energy and excitement on our new house that will be ours in less than five days.  She is excited to get in our new beginning, settled and celebrate the holidays.    Do not get me wrong, I am happy that we have been able to build our dream home, but in a lot of ways, I dread our new home.  It is bigger than our previous home, where I already felt lonely without our family being complete.  So all I can think about is how it is going to hurt to go in the room that for two weeks we had already planned and pictured to be our nursery.

I want to be excited about what is to come, but I am just sad, angry and hurt that our babies are gone.  It is Christmas time and everyone is excited and full of joy over all of the blessing that come with this season, but I feel like our blessing has been taken from us which spoils the spirit of the season for me.

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