So last month I read “The Girl on the Train” and I found it pretty hard to read. The main character Rachel had infertility issues and after a failed IVF, she became an alcoholic and her marriage fell apart. Reading her story and her experience totally hit home and I fear that if the infertility train does not pull out of the station, it will break me.
People truly do not understand the emotions and the weight of all of the feelings one experiences when trying to have a baby and not succeeding or knowing why you are not succeeding. I am dealing with a perfect example of this currently. Someone close to me who knows how hard I have been working to remain positive and have a good attitude, told me last week that I am depressed and should speak to someone about it. This really hit me to my core and rattled my cage a little bit. I wake up everyday, put on clothes and a smile and try to not show on the outside the fact, that some days I feel like my insides are dying. When you want something so bad, work so hard to get it, and cannot find a reason why your efforts are not working, you have to fight the urge to throw in the towel everyday. Some days I succeed and others I do not, I am not going to apologize for that fact.
Three weeks ago before I went out of town for work, I found out that my acupuncturist was leaving the practice. I was heartbroken. Over the past year, she has changed my view on acupuncture/eastern medicine and showed me that it really does work to quiet the body and the mind. I have not left the practice as they specialize in fertility and I have been assigned a new acupuncturist. I am giving her a chance and hope that we will have a good connection as well with time.
Last week one of my closest infertility friends had her miracle baby. I am beyond happy for her and her husband that they have a beautiful baby boy, but when his due date arrived and it was finally real that he is here in the flesh, I lost it. Not because I am unhappy for her but because I am sad for us that we might not ever get to have a birth story or hold our miracle baby in our arms.
So before my cycle started, I decided that I was going to try to put these emotions aside and bring positive thoughts to my body and mind. I went to the Vitamin Store and purchased what seem like a small fortune on supplements. I have been trying to do yoga every morning and add in meditation. I have been trying to remain positive and continue to chant mantras to myself that “I will grow and birth a healthy baby.” However as we get closer and closer, I am starting to feel the anxiety and fear of failing again.
Today that fear and anxiety snowballed with the results of the election. I respect that we all have our own political views and opinions as this is what makes this a great democracy, however I find it very hard to understand how people can get behind a candidate who has clearly voiced his hate and dislike for so many Americans. I had one of the worst nights of sleep in a long time and woke up at 3am in tears and fearful for my wife and I’s future. All I could do was pray and try to go back to sleep as I knew I had a busy day today and needed to nurture my body with sleep.
This morning we had our 2nd monitoring ultrasound and all is a go for us to proceed with another frozen transfer a week from today. Knowing that I will be reunited with my babies soon is exciting and scary. I want so bad for this to be our time but with today’s election results I am scared that our children will be hurt, punished or worse in a world of hate because they have two moms. So in order to create a welcoming safe environment for my children to grow, I will be turning off all social media. I cannot allow the anger, sadness and hate that surrounds this country to make my body toxic to my family’s future. We have our beautiful house on its way and I want to make sure our children’s home is just as ready.
Please pray that my doctor will have an easy and successful transfer, my body will be relaxed and accepting of our babies, that our babies will be strong and ready to make a home for the next nine months, that they will grow into healthy beautiful babies that I will bring into this world loved and healthy, and that they grow up in a country that allows them to be the miracles that they are…