So this week has been a challenge yet again. I feel like this has become my norm by the end of every week. I always attempt to start the week off on a positive note and then the feelings, stress and disappointment creep back.
I signed up for a TTC card exchange. It has been nice to get a word of encouragement from people who are not familiar with our struggle. However, as I continue to follow the TTC community, I have seen more and more positives and not change in our situation.
I have been avoiding the WTF appointment with our RE as I know she probably does not have a solution or an explanation. At this point, I am not sure if it is worst to not know or to be told that it will not happen.
This weekend we are hanging out with friends for their kids birthday. I love these kids but it stings to be around families. All week we have been around our favorite kids (old neighbors came to visit) and it breaks my heart every single time to see how happy my wife is with these kids, knowing that I am failing to make this happen for us. I have continued to try over and over again and not succeeded.
While we were with our friends the topic of surrogacy came up. Our friends have offered to be a surrogate for us before and while I greatly appreciate the gesture, I am having a hard time even considering it. I know that my wife and them do not mean anything by it, but bringing up this conversation and discussing it as our next step makes me feel that they have all given up on me. They do not believe my body will succeed and that we need to think about other options.
While all of the negative cycles continue to bring me down, it is even harder to accept that I will not carry our child. That I will not feel that bond of life growing inside of me, the experience of child birth, or the closeness bond of breast feeding. I am not ready to give up on this dream…