Tomorrow is another day that I dread every year (just like Mother’s Day, and kid-theme holidays). It is the first day of school for kids. I understand this is an exciting time for kids, their parents and teachers that actually enjoy their jobs. I was that kid years ago that loved the first day of school, I would plan my outfit, get excited about my school supplies and get so excited that I couldn’t sleep the night before.
Now this day brings on a completely different set of feelings. My heart aches as I drive through the three school zones on my way to work, seeing all of the kids and their parents documenting this important day. Now with school media, my feeds are covered with cute pictures of excited/scared kids holding a sign saying first day of whatever grade they will begin.
While these pictures are adorable and something I would so enjoy as a parent, instead these pictures are like knives to my heart and nails on a chaulkboard. A constant streaming reminder of a dream that has not come true. So to all of my family, friends and acquaintances, I apologize for not liking your first day of school photo. Not because I don’t like the photo, not because it isn’t adorable, but because as someone who struggles with unexplained infertility and the uncertainty of ever being a mom, it hurts way too much to see these photos…so excuse my hiatus …
So this week has been a challenge yet again. I feel like this has become my norm by the end of every week. I always attempt to start the week off on a positive note and then the feelings, stress and disappointment creep back.
I signed up for a TTC card exchange. It has been nice to get a word of encouragement from people who are not familiar with our struggle. However, as I continue to follow the TTC community, I have seen more and more positives and not change in our situation.
I have been avoiding the WTF appointment with our RE as I know she probably does not have a solution or an explanation. At this point, I am not sure if it is worst to not know or to be told that it will not happen.
This weekend we are hanging out with friends for their kids birthday. I love these kids but it stings to be around families. All week we have been around our favorite kids (old neighbors came to visit) and it breaks my heart every single time to see how happy my wife is with these kids, knowing that I am failing to make this happen for us. I have continued to try over and over again and not succeeded.
While we were with our friends the topic of surrogacy came up. Our friends have offered to be a surrogate for us before and while I greatly appreciate the gesture, I am having a hard time even considering it. I know that my wife and them do not mean anything by it, but bringing up this conversation and discussing it as our next step makes me feel that they have all given up on me. They do not believe my body will succeed and that we need to think about other options.
While all of the negative cycles continue to bring me down, it is even harder to accept that I will not carry our child. That I will not feel that bond of life growing inside of me, the experience of child birth, or the closeness bond of breast feeding. I am not ready to give up on this dream…
Sorry I have been MIA. After our failed FET in April, I was feeling very alone and isolated, even by the infertility community, so I needed to take some time for personal reflection away from the “noise.”
Then life got super busy…before we knew it was June. We decided to sell our home. Another birthday crept up and we spent it at the beach just the two of us. Then off to Boston for work and a weekend in NYC to visit friends and celebrate Pride…let’s just say it was a busy June.July we spent getting our home ready to sell. Who knew you could accumulate so much crap in 10 years. It felt great to declutter our life and get rid of the bad and old.
We were convinced that with the changes made that we would for sure be changing our luck in the infertility department.
We went in for our third FET on July 20th. Let’s say that the transfer was a comedy of errors by far. Our clinic has had a lot of turn over with the front desk and nursing staff, so the new people do not know us or my history. A nurse called the day before to confirm and remind me to show up with a full bladder, I had to remind her that I was going to be sedated and thus would not have a full bladder since I couldn’t eat or drink after midnight. Then we get to the clinic the next morning to check in and the front desk representative makes me give a urine sample. 🙄 We get back to the prep room and the anesthesiologist had to put in my IV. Which he promptly put in my hand. Ouch! Where is the nurse!?! Then our RE comes by to tell us that they had to thaw three of our embabies to get two viable ones for transfer (so now we are down to four), so we lost one…I wanted to cry but held it together. Then she asked if my bladder was full and I told her no since they made me give a urine sample. She just shook her head and walked out the room to go fuss someone out. The clinic had given the front desk instructions to make sure they got urine samples for a hysterscopy procedure, not a transfer! She came back and said they were ready but the med tech was not around, so I had to carry my own IV bag as I walked back to the procedure room. All Heather and I could do was shake our head at the disfunction of the day.
They do the procedure and bring me back to the room after waking me up. Our RE told Heather all went well with the transfer but that I woke up in the middle of the procedure and I was feisty. Umm what happened? What does that mean? I don’t remember waking up so who knows what I did when I woke up on the table 😰.
Since I tend to be quite stressed, I took off the week of the transfer. I spent the days before the transfer focused on getting things done around the house to get it ready for listing at the end of the month. Then I had two week days and the weekend off after our transfer. Heather took my work laptop and hid it and I removed all of my work emails from my phone, so I would not be tempted or frustrated with work.
The day before the transfer I had a massage which was great. Then I had acupuncture the night of transfer day and 2 days after, so needless to say I was feeling good about my relaxation and low stress levels surrounding this transfer.
I went back to work the Monday after and our Associate Director immediately told me how much they missed me and she appreciates all that I do, since she had to deal with my frustrating/difficult clients while I was out. That evening our realtor came by to take pictures of our house and told us that we did a great job getting it ready and that it looked great and she was pretty sure it would sell fast. That was a big weight lifted as I had a complete progesterone emotional breakdown the night before worried that we would not be ready to list the house.
Throughout the nine days post transfer, I felt cramping, slight nausea and breast tenderness. As always deep down I was trying to remain positive and that I was growing two lives. Last Friday, we both decided to work from home and headed off to our blood test at 9am. We asked the medical tech to remind the fellow (our clinic is part of a teaching hospital and has fellows) that when they call with the results, if I do not answer that they need to leave the message on my voicemail so that Heather and I can listen to it together. She said she would try to remind them. We tell the front desk specialist the same thing when we check out and she looks at us like we are aliens. Ugh incompetence. So on the way home, I sent an email to my RE and asked that she remind the fellow to leave a message.
Around 1:30, my cell phone rings…Heather and I both hold our breath and answer the phone. It is one of the fellows that we don’t particularly care for and she was like should I tell you now or call back and leave a message. Immediately we knew it was not…good news. I told her please tell us now and she said unfortunately your test was negative.
NEGATIVE!!! AGAIN?!? I immediately shut down and tried not to burst into tears. I had an acupuncture appointment and needed to calm myself to drive to the appointment. I went to acupuncture and told my acupuncturist the bad news. She was pissed off, upset and frustrated for us as well.
Since Friday, I am have been trying to concentrate on our house selling and not be in the infertility space. We listed our house last Thursday and had a showing that day. Since then we have a number of showings but no offers yet. Let’s hope the offer comes soon…we need some good news bad!