Is the Holiday or the Week After Worst?

So after finding out our FET was unsuccessful, I was convinced that Mother’s Day was going to be another painful day. It also did not help that our “WTF” appointment was the same week leading up to Mother’s Day. 

As if we did not have enough reminders that yet again our chances at being a mom were not successful, we had to go to our RE to talk about what could have gone wrong and next steps. We spent time researching the web (you know your enemy when you are TTC) and trying to find any reason why all of the positive things leading up to our transfer did not result in a positive pregnancy test for us. The only thing we could find was some research on Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. The symptoms of this disease are fatigue, weight gain, pale or puffy face, feeling cold, joint and muscle pain, constipation, dry and thinning hair, heavy menstrual flow or irregular periods, depression, a slowed heart rate, and problems getting pregnant and maintaining pregnancy. In addition, most individuals have goiters, which I do. So maybe this is the problem.

We get to our RE appointment and we can tell that our RE is dreading the conversation as much as we are at that moment. She says that she didn’t think anything went wrong, just that yet again it was not our time for whatever reason. We ask her if we should do PGS (Pre-Implantation Genetic Screening) of our embryos. She said that since the embryos are already frozen it is not a viable option and that she does not believe there is a genetic issue. However, if we go through our seven embryos and still do not have success, than they would perform PGS with our next IVF cycle (umm who says we are going to do cycle 3). We asked her if she thought we needed to try an non-medicated FET, she felt we could but did not believe it would give us better odds. Since my cervix is tricky and she knows it best, a non-medicated cycle would result in whatever RE is on service doing my transfer once I ovulated, so they could struggle with the transfer and compromise our embryo (which is what happened with our fresh IVF cycle last year). We asked if she thought I had a thyroid disorder that was causing implantation problems, she looked at my thyroid panel and I am in the normal range, so no alarms there but said they would run my panel again (got the results end it is still normal). She did indicate that they can try assisted hatching next time if the embryos are not already hatching themselves. We still have four that are pretty high grade and three that are average. Of the four, two are starting to hatch, so that is a good sign. So her recommendation, is that we continue with the current plan of endometrial scratch and cervical dilation the cycle before meds, estradiol and progesterone, sedated transfer and hope that are next attempt is the right time.

While it was definitely painful to want so badly to become a mom and know that another year has passed without that distinction, I tried to make a point to not discuss the holiday, or be on social media with all of the constant reminders. Mother’s Day is always difficult for me in general (see previous post Unanswered ) so I was dreading the day. We went to Mother-in-law’s for a cookout with all of my wife’s family. I told my wife that I was going to try to put on a smile and push through but that I did not want anyone to ask me about it. While I know they all mean well, I could not listen to the advice of “just relax, it will happen.” Actually no, we have to plan, prepare, it will not just happen. I made it through the cookout with out any breakdowns, but lost it once we got home. For three years now, we have longed to be a mom and celebrate the love we have for our child on that day. Yet for whatever reason, we have not yet been granted that distinction.

So I had made it through the holiday and thought well now, I can move on and be ok. Oh how I was so wrong. Monday morning at work started off with everyone asking people “how was your Mother’s Day?” Ugh … I am not a Mom, thanks for the reminder. Work yet again is stressful, busy and frustrating right now, so add the emotions of our failed FET and needless to say I was a mess at work, at home, driving in the car, you name it. I don’t think I have cried as much as I have over the past two weeks. I have had so many breakdowns, that even I am annoyed with how much I am crying. 

People keep asking me so what will you do? Just continue to push through the work chaos, focus on my fitness and enjoy our little break before we hit the roller coaster again. When you want something so bad, you have no choice but to just keep moving forward…..

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