I was up at 6:30am, mind wandering, tears flowing, questioning. This week has been another hard one for the books.We knew going into this week that it would be a tough one.  It was the 10th anniversary of my grandmother’s death and Heather’s dad’s 2nd birthday with him gone.   I went into the week so excited and hopeful that our lives would change. Our family would be complete and we would get the miracle for which we have so longed.  Yet it started with a heartbreak..another negative HCG beta with less 2miu/ml results.

Less than 2 miu/ml…that means there was no chance that our beautiful embryo found a home and grew inside of me.  It leaves us with so many questions..

  • Why are our embryos not growing in my uterus?
  • What is happening between transfer day and beta?
  • Is there a bigger problem with my uterus that our RE has not found?
  • Do I have a hostile uterus that kills all life (sperm, eggs, embryos)?
  • Were the symptoms I experienced made up in my head? Am I crazy?
  • Did traveling during my implantation window compromise our embryo?
  • Do my hormones go on the fritz after implantation/transfer and fight to kill whatever is in my body?
  • Are our embryos genetically destined to fail?
  • Will our other seven embryos meet the same fate?
  • Am I sterile?
  • Will we be childless?
  • Are we wasting time, money, and emotions on a hopefulness dream?

There are so many unanswered questions that I am not even sure our RE can answer at this point.   God help her…

I know we are not alone, but we cannot help but to feel isolated.  I know we cannot compare our journey to others but it is so hard to not know what our problem is and how we can fix it, especially when we see others finding the answer or miracle. 

This week is the week that I truly dread with all of my being every year…Mother’s Day week. Not only do I dread this week because I want so badly to be a Mom, but because of my own mother-daughter relationship.  Every year I struggle to purchase a Mother’s Day card for my mom.  The cards always talk about how great the relationship is; your mom is your best friend; no matter what Mom was there and loved you unconditionally.  I do not have this in my life.  For years after I graduated from college and told my parents that I was gay, they abandoned me and we did not speak or see each other.  My mom and I are not close, we are not best friends. We are better now than we have been but it is still a surface level interaction.  I know that my mom does not love all of me because I am gay and I have accepted that, but it doesn’t make this holiday any less awkward or hurtful.

Can I just skip forward to Memorial Day?


5 thoughts on “Unanswered…

  1. Yes, skip on forward to Memorial Day! I’m really sorry to hear about your latest results. It would be so much more productive if there was a reason why it didn’t work out. If you’re going to do another transfer soon it might help you to take a few of those questions away by taking it easy for a few days. I’m not suggesting that was a cause this time, but I know the mind plays tricks and if there are any what-ifs floating about it’s nice to eliminate those that you can. I also feel really sad and alone through this whole journey – I think it is because very few of us have an extensive support network around us (beyond our partner and maybe 1 or 2 friends) who really understand the pain and longing that we feel. People think IVF is just a case of popping into a clinic, having a short procedure and, voila, a baby! But it’s not. It’s really not. Wishing you all the best for surviving Mothers’ Day. Maybe try and plan something special with your partner and focus on the love you have for each other.


    1. Thanks for the support..these were all after thoughts and not pre-transfer what-ifs. I try to do a good job of meditating on the good while in treatment but when the result is failure, all of the negative comes rolling in… Hope things get better for you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We all do. I think it’s inevitable. But the most likely reality is that it was something beyond your control and so I wanted to remind you not to beat yourself up (not that I’m any good at taking my own advice). But on here we are more or less in the same boat so sisters have got to stick together and cheer each other on! 😘


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