┬áIs the Holiday or the Week After Worst?

So after finding out our FET was unsuccessful, I was convinced that Mother’s Day was going to be another painful day. It also did not help that our “WTF” appointment was the same week leading up to Mother’s Day. 

As if we did not have enough reminders that yet again our chances at being a mom were not successful, we had to go to our RE to talk about what could have gone wrong and next steps. We spent time researching the web (you know your enemy when you are TTC) and trying to find any reason why all of the positive things leading up to our transfer did not result in a positive pregnancy test for us. The only thing we could find was some research on Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. The symptoms of this disease are fatigue, weight gain, pale or puffy face, feeling cold, joint and muscle pain, constipation, dry and thinning hair, heavy menstrual flow or irregular periods, depression, a slowed heart rate, and problems getting pregnant and maintaining pregnancy. In addition, most individuals have goiters, which I do. So maybe this is the problem.

We get to our RE appointment and we can tell that our RE is dreading the conversation as much as we are at that moment. She says that she didn’t think anything went wrong, just that yet again it was not our time for whatever reason. We ask her if we should do PGS (Pre-Implantation Genetic Screening) of our embryos. She said that since the embryos are already frozen it is not a viable option and that she does not believe there is a genetic issue. However, if we go through our seven embryos and still do not have success, than they would perform PGS with our next IVF cycle (umm who says we are going to do cycle 3). We asked her if she thought we needed to try an non-medicated FET, she felt we could but did not believe it would give us better odds. Since my cervix is tricky and she knows it best, a non-medicated cycle would result in whatever RE is on service doing my transfer once I ovulated, so they could struggle with the transfer and compromise our embryo (which is what happened with our fresh IVF cycle last year). We asked if she thought I had a thyroid disorder that was causing implantation problems, she looked at my thyroid panel and I am in the normal range, so no alarms there but said they would run my panel again (got the results end it is still normal). She did indicate that they can try assisted hatching next time if the embryos are not already hatching themselves. We still have four that are pretty high grade and three that are average. Of the four, two are starting to hatch, so that is a good sign. So her recommendation, is that we continue with the current plan of endometrial scratch and cervical dilation the cycle before meds, estradiol and progesterone, sedated transfer and hope that are next attempt is the right time.

While it was definitely painful to want so badly to become a mom and know that another year has passed without that distinction, I tried to make a point to not discuss the holiday, or be on social media with all of the constant reminders. Mother’s Day is always difficult for me in general (see previous post Unanswered ) so I was dreading the day. We went to Mother-in-law’s for a cookout with all of my wife’s family. I told my wife that I was going to try to put on a smile and push through but that I did not want anyone to ask me about it. While I know they all mean well, I could not listen to the advice of “just relax, it will happen.” Actually no, we have to plan, prepare, it will not just happen. I made it through the cookout with out any breakdowns, but lost it once we got home. For three years now, we have longed to be a mom and celebrate the love we have for our child on that day. Yet for whatever reason, we have not yet been granted that distinction.

So I had made it through the holiday and thought well now, I can move on and be ok. Oh how I was so wrong. Monday morning at work started off with everyone asking people “how was your Mother’s Day?” Ugh … I am not a Mom, thanks for the reminder. Work yet again is stressful, busy and frustrating right now, so add the emotions of our failed FET and needless to say I was a mess at work, at home, driving in the car, you name it. I don’t think I have cried as much as I have over the past two weeks. I have had so many breakdowns, that even I am annoyed with how much I am crying. 

People keep asking me so what will you do? Just continue to push through the work chaos, focus on my fitness and enjoy our little break before we hit the roller coaster again. When you want something so bad, you have no choice but to just keep moving forward…..

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Closing out NIAW

So sad to see NIAW go…but hope the conversation and awareness will continue to grow.

The Bloggers Unite Conference is closed out with a great post about keeping the line of communication open along your journey.  Infertility is a hard pill to swallow so it is important to make sure that you are having the conversations with your spouse so that you are both prepared for what is the next step.

Miss Conception Coach
In Due Time

Unanswered…

I was up at 6:30am, mind wandering, tears flowing, questioning. This week has been another hard one for the books.We knew going into this week that it would be a tough one.  It was the 10th anniversary of my grandmother’s death and Heather’s dad’s 2nd birthday with him gone.   I went into the week so excited and hopeful that our lives would change. Our family would be complete and we would get the miracle for which we have so longed.  Yet it started with a heartbreak..another negative HCG beta with less 2miu/ml results.

Less than 2 miu/ml…that means there was no chance that our beautiful embryo found a home and grew inside of me.  It leaves us with so many questions..

  • Why are our embryos not growing in my uterus?
  • What is happening between transfer day and beta?
  • Is there a bigger problem with my uterus that our RE has not found?
  • Do I have a hostile uterus that kills all life (sperm, eggs, embryos)?
  • Were the symptoms I experienced made up in my head? Am I crazy?
  • Did traveling during my implantation window compromise our embryo?
  • Do my hormones go on the fritz after implantation/transfer and fight to kill whatever is in my body?
  • Are our embryos genetically destined to fail?
  • Will our other seven embryos meet the same fate?
  • Am I sterile?
  • Will we be childless?
  • Are we wasting time, money, and emotions on a hopefulness dream?

There are so many unanswered questions that I am not even sure our RE can answer at this point.   God help her…

I know we are not alone, but we cannot help but to feel isolated.  I know we cannot compare our journey to others but it is so hard to not know what our problem is and how we can fix it, especially when we see others finding the answer or miracle. 

This week is the week that I truly dread with all of my being every year…Mother’s Day week. Not only do I dread this week because I want so badly to be a Mom, but because of my own mother-daughter relationship.  Every year I struggle to purchase a Mother’s Day card for my mom.  The cards always talk about how great the relationship is; your mom is your best friend; no matter what Mom was there and loved you unconditionally.  I do not have this in my life.  For years after I graduated from college and told my parents that I was gay, they abandoned me and we did not speak or see each other.  My mom and I are not close, we are not best friends. We are better now than we have been but it is still a surface level interaction.  I know that my mom does not love all of me because I am gay and I have accepted that, but it doesn’t make this holiday any less awkward or hurtful.

Can I just skip forward to Memorial Day?