A year ago today I was just starting my first ever IVF Meds. We were so confident that our first round of IVF would be the ticket to our little family. It was a week out from Easter and we were confident that the Easter bunny was going to bring us our baby.
Today is Easter and we still do not have our bundle of joy.
It has been a difficult week for me. Monday was our FET baseline which should have been exciting and joyful, yet I went in reluctant and nervous. The Nurse Practitioner is one that we know and love. She says that we are one of her favorite couples and is always excited to see us. She gave us our FET calendar, so now we know the plan in regards to meds and monitoring. We let the nurse practitioner know that we wanted to change the number of embryos we would transfer. She said all look good with my lining and blood work to move forward with the plan. Our RE reached out later that day to confirm the number of embryos we wanted to transfer. Being that this will be our 11th attempt (5 non-medicated IUIs, 3 medicated IUIs, 1 IVF fresh, 1 FET), she wanted to go all in and transfer more than one embryo. We agreed at first, but now that we have had months to think about it since our freeze all, we are afraid of losing embryos. Our fear is that, one, by transferring more than one and them not making it, we will loose more than one; or two, the lab goes to thaw the embryos for transfer and they not survive the thaw, so then they have to thaw more than two to get to the number we want to transfer. Our RE understood our feelings and confirmed that we will only transfer one of our embryos.
As the week has progressed, my emotions have continued to build due to a number of things:
1. I am staring to see and feel the effects of the Estradiol patches. My chest acne that I had during IVF last year has returned. I have been bloated and constipated all week. I have been on the verge of tears, complete rage or passing out from exhaustion all week.
2. Work has been extremely difficult this week with a lot of projects being dumped on me. I am trying to not let work stress me out and manage my stress appropriately because I want to make sure my body is in ship shape for our embryos, however I often feel like I need to over succeed at work, since fertility has not been successful for us.
3. We have not filed our taxes yet, so in the back of my mind that is weighing heavily on me as well because I am really worried that even after spending thousands of dollars on fertility medications and treatments, that we will have to pay the IRS, let’s really hope I am wrong.
4. Lack of me time. I really want to get my new fitness blog started and back to my workouts, but I feel like work and life have been all consuming that I have not had time to unwind and do things that are important to me.
5. Hate in our state. Our state legislators decided to hold a special session this week and pass a bill that clearly allows employers, businesses, restaurants, and any establishment the right to discriminate against my wife and I because we are gay. This saddens me and really worries me about us having a baby and trying to protect that child from the hate our state feels for our love as two committed women.
6. My TTC community seems to be dwindling due to BFP. While I am more than happy for my TTC sisters that are experiencing success on their journey. I can’t help but to feel left out or behind the pack. It is bad enough that in every work setting, I am around a large number of parents who often talk about their kids and what they did or what they are going to do with them, thus leaving me with nothing to add to these conversations and being on the outside. It is a very lonely feeling to feel like people around you are progressing and you are stuck on the merry-go-around in a continuous circle. I had joined the TTC community to not feel this way, but I cannot help but to feel like I am on the outside again.
All of these feelings collided Friday night after I got home from acupuncture. Generally acupuncture calms me down and makes me feel more centered. Yet for some reason this Friday, I felt very tense and could not relax. I laid there and thought about all of the weight from the week, yet it did not release as it usually does. When I got home, I found that yet again I had missed my wine delivery (we joined a club while we were in CA last November) for the second day in a row.
This should have not upset me, but it literally was the “straw that broke the camel’s back.” My wife got home not long after me and could see it on my face. She really is my rock and immediately tried to do what she could to cheer me up. She called UPS to try to track the package, took me by their facilities to try to pick it up, (unfortunately with no luck since the driver had not returned to the facility), then took me to Whole Foods to get pizza for dinner. We just laid in bed, ate dinner, snuggle and watch TV, it definitely help calm me down. She really is my rock and through all of this keeps me going.
These emotions unfortunately have not subsided, but grown with today being Easter. As a kid, I loved Easter and getting a new outfit for church and celebrating with friends and family. As we drove around running errands yesterday and as I scrolled through social media (note I probably should stay off social media for the next few weeks), seeing all of the joy on kids faces over Easter, it just brings all of these feelings of a missing piece to the surface.
We luckily do not have to be subjected to any Easter gatherings today, so I plan to spend the day hopefully knocking some things off my to do list in hopes that this week will be better…