Fragile

So the past few weeks have been consumed with work. Things have been busy as usual and then a big project came back for a revision, so there I was working 60+ hours again. I have always been a hard worker, so I don’t mind working, but what has been so frustrating lately is the lack of work by others.  At times like these when I am working 60+ hours a week and giving up my weekends to get work done, it is beyond frustrating to see others not working or stepping up to help.

So needless to say I am already emotionally fragile from working too much and not getting enough sleep or “me” time. Then I get an invite in the mail for a baby shower for a former co-worker who is having baby #2 đŸ˜”. My first reaction was, not fair, when is my turn?!? My second reaction was umm she didn’t even tell me she was pregnant, I am not going to that shower. Luckily I had an excuse to not go because it is this weekend while I am having a sprinkle for one of my best friends.

Yep, I am hosting a sprinkle at my house. I have had so many emotions this week getting ready for this party. While I love my best friend, it is hard to get excited about celebrating her baby#3, when I am still struggling to get pregnant for the first time. I know she has mixed emotions as well because she has seen our struggle to get pregnant. I just really hope I get through today with no tears and/or breakdown.

My saline sonogram was this week. The scan went fine and they said my uterus looks good, but yet I didn’t leave that appointment feeling excited. While we have checked a step off the list to our FET journey, it still feels like we have so far to go.

In addition to all of these feelings, one of my good TTC friends just found out that her FET was successful and she is pregnant. I am so excited for her because they truly got a great beta (333) this time after a chemical pregnancy last time. It is very exciting for them since I know she has felt the struggle like I have to make this happen. Yet Thursday night after my initial excitement for them, my emotions turned to sadness.  

Sadness that we are still over a month away from our chance to get pregnant. Sadness that after years of trying, we have never had a positive pregnancy test. Sadness that if we do, we still don’t know if my body can carry a child….

Let’s hope my glass box does not break today….

  
  

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2 thoughts on “Fragile

  1. I swear, we must be living the same life! I work in an infertility clinic (go figure) and I am struggling along with them but when I see positives, of course I die a little inside, but I know the reality is that just because they’re pregnant doesn’t mean they will stay pregnant. I worked 67 hours the week before last and last week I worked 37 hours in three days. I called off last Thursday due to stress and work exhaustion and also Friday when I learned my beta dropped and we would be miscarrying. I can’t help but feel nothing but resentful toward my job sometimes. I will persevere but sometimes it is really hard.

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