Fragile

So the past few weeks have been consumed with work. Things have been busy as usual and then a big project came back for a revision, so there I was working 60+ hours again. I have always been a hard worker, so I don’t mind working, but what has been so frustrating lately is the lack of work by others.  At times like these when I am working 60+ hours a week and giving up my weekends to get work done, it is beyond frustrating to see others not working or stepping up to help.

So needless to say I am already emotionally fragile from working too much and not getting enough sleep or “me” time. Then I get an invite in the mail for a baby shower for a former co-worker who is having baby #2 😔. My first reaction was, not fair, when is my turn?!? My second reaction was umm she didn’t even tell me she was pregnant, I am not going to that shower. Luckily I had an excuse to not go because it is this weekend while I am having a sprinkle for one of my best friends.

Yep, I am hosting a sprinkle at my house. I have had so many emotions this week getting ready for this party. While I love my best friend, it is hard to get excited about celebrating her baby#3, when I am still struggling to get pregnant for the first time. I know she has mixed emotions as well because she has seen our struggle to get pregnant. I just really hope I get through today with no tears and/or breakdown.

My saline sonogram was this week. The scan went fine and they said my uterus looks good, but yet I didn’t leave that appointment feeling excited. While we have checked a step off the list to our FET journey, it still feels like we have so far to go.

In addition to all of these feelings, one of my good TTC friends just found out that her FET was successful and she is pregnant. I am so excited for her because they truly got a great beta (333) this time after a chemical pregnancy last time. It is very exciting for them since I know she has felt the struggle like I have to make this happen. Yet Thursday night after my initial excitement for them, my emotions turned to sadness.  

Sadness that we are still over a month away from our chance to get pregnant. Sadness that after years of trying, we have never had a positive pregnancy test. Sadness that if we do, we still don’t know if my body can carry a child….

Let’s hope my glass box does not break today….

  
  

Trying to be patient and find the positive…

  
I so feel like this dog this week…we are so close with our embryos waiting for us, yet so far away….

It has been a trying week to say the least with some disappointment we were not expecting.

So this past weekend, we went to the farmer’s market and a food truck rodeo.  These events which you would not think should bother me, always seem to get me choked up.  There are families everywhere with their little babies all snuggled in their carries and pregnant woman galore.  My wife and I sat down at a picnic table to eat a taco and of course there was this sweet lesbian couple with their beautiful little girl playing near us.  It just brought back all of my emotions of why not us, when will it be our turn.

Work has been incredibly busy so my stress level has increased.  I was nervous about having to cancel a business trip that I was suppose to go on early March due to our expected transfer.  My boss and management were more than understanding and found someone to go in my place, but I hate to feel like I am not doing my job because of our IVF schedule.

To make matters worst with that schedule, I reached out to our clinic’s IVF nurses to get an update on our schedule since our RE was going to discuss the plan with them after we talk two weeks ago.  Come to find out, I was confused. Here I was thinking that when CD1 came in the next week that I would be starting meds and we would be within the 40 day window of seeing our beautiful embryos again. NO! You are wrong, don’t collect $200, don’t pass go! The nurse explained to me that they want to do a saline sonogram around CD5-12 to make sure no scar tissue has developed since my transfer last year, and then they are going to repeat the endometrial injury and cervical dilation around CD25 since the one I had before Christmas would have no benefit now.  She also explained that they want to do these procedure BEFORE I start meds.  Here I was thinking that they would do this while I was on FET meds. So I will have these procedures done with my Feb cycle and then start meds in March if everything is good, and transfer will most likely be early April.

Needless to say I am a little disappointed because now I feel like we wasted a cycle after I came off stimulation meds last month. I also feel like crap because I cancelled that busy trip thinking our transfer would happen that week and now it is not.  We are trying to stay positive and busy, but it is really difficult.

This weekend we started a major declutter of the house that we will do over the next few weeks and then have a garage sale to hopefully get ready for baby. I am trying to take the additional forced time as a sign that we need to make room for a baby since we have never really made room previously, we always figured we would do it once we got a BFP.

What are others thoughts about preparing a baby room/buying things for a child before you are pregnant?