Christmas feelings

Like most of us, my day was filled with a mountain of emotions.  I know I am blessed to have a loving wife, a beautiful home, a good job, great friends and family, and for the most part good health.  However, I found it very hard getting excited about Christmas knowing that the one thing I know my wife would love to have is a child of our own.  

Being that this has been a difficult year for us with a parent lost, failed infertility treatments and the everyday stress of life, my wife surprised me with a beautiful Tiffany&Co smile necklace. I was so surprised and touched that all I could do was cry.  She reminded me that through the storm, we still have each other and that we need to smile more. It is a great reminder that we are happy as the two of us and that we have to not let the delay of some of our dreams stop us from enjoying the beautiful life we have together.

Christmas has a rain cloud for me when it comes to my family.  Five years ago my wife and I rushed home from her family’s Christmas to prepare a dinner for my family.  That year, we were all ready and excited to spend Christmas with them because it would have been the first time my family spent Christmas at our house.  As we waited for them to show up, the night got later and later.  I called them a number of times and no one answered, so I figured they were not going to show up.  Here we had rushed home, my wife prepared a lovely dinner and they couldn’t even show up.  Shortly after I finally got them on the phone and I could tell they had no interest in really coming to my house so I yelled at them, told them don’t bother and hung up the phone.  My wife and I ate dinner, put their gifts outside on the porch and sat in our house holding each other.  Two hours later they showed up, but I refused to answer the door because I was so hurt.  They finally took the gifts and left.  That was the worst Christmas of my life!  

That Christmas unfortunately forever stays in my brain when I think about my family.  Last year, my sister was in between houses so needless to say my parents didn’t really have a place to stay, so after us living in our house for eight years, they finally decided to come spend the night at our home. Yet here is the kicker, my sister came with them….what the hell?!? You can’t spend the night or come to my house without my sister, why??!?  Are you going to get the gay virus??!?  

Knowing these two stories, this is the anxiety that I carry around dealing with my family and the holiday, so needless to say I was not the most excited about them coming over this year. My sister, nephews and parents were to come over for Christmas dinner and my parents were going to spend the night.  Well around 1:30, my dad calls me and this is the conversation that takes place. 

  • Him – “Are you home?” 
  • Me – “Yes, we are waiting for you, what time are you coming?” 
  • “Well I want to ask you something?” 
  • “Ok”  
  • “Can we change our night that we spend the night at the Satterfield lodge?” 
  • “Umm I guess” 
  • “We want to spend the night tomorrow night” 
  • “Umm ok, are you still coming for dinner?”  
  • “Yea, we are coming we will be there at 3:30” 
  • “Ok”

3’o clock, I look on Facebook and my sister and mom have cooked at her house. 3:30, not here….4 not here…. 4:30 they finally show up.  I was so annoyed that I couldn’t even be excited that they were here.  My mom comes in and immediately starts going on and on about how I need to help her and my dad with their cell phones.  Seriously, how about saying sorry that you are late; sorry that you switched plans on me, hope it is ok we stay tomorrow.  None of that occurred.  While my wife cooks, we talk about my dad’s health (he has MS and doesn’t take care of himself…ie see a Neurologist)and shoot the shit.  Finally, I have enough of trying to explain to my dad the importance of his health and decided to give my nephews their gifts.  That was the best part of the night, their faces lit up with excitement and I think they were truly shocked and excited.  We ate dinner, which they enjoyed, since food is actually one of the things my family cares about.  Afterwards, we watched a little bit of a movie, while my dad complained about his leg hurting because he didn’t have his muscle relaxers.  They left shortly after.  At no time did my sister, my mother or father say to myself or my wife, I am sorry that you two are going through what you are; or hope your procedure went well Tuesday, how are you feeling? Clearly, they don’t care, they just came over to get gifts, free food and clear their concscience…..Merry Christmas….

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